Day 1 of getting lost in SF

Always Wandering

That’s right, you heard me.. I got lost in my first 4 hours entering into the USA 🙄

Landed in San Francisco with a bucket load of nerves that you adopt when travelling alone in a foreign country.

This was taken on a snappy stroll

First things first the clipper card for travel, sorted I dominated that machine 🤓 but no so much what followed after entering the train. Can I just go on record to say that I will never complain about The Sydney transport system ever again.

We take for granted how easy they make it by us, pretty much spoon feeding us over that side of the world in terms of making it easier to get around, eliminating any panic.

Once I caught 4 different trains when in actual fact was supposed to only be one initial train to get to my transport switchover onto a bus…

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Unwavering guilt

Unwavering guilt is enough to drag someone into a pit of thoughts, a place I find hard to claw my way out of from time to time.

As for my last post briefly touching on entering new situations, I found myself over this weekend in a dark place. A place where I go and hide away from what surrounds me. Silence to my chaotic emotion and thoughts that threaten to overwhelm. Not an everyday occurrence but from time to time it pays me a visit.. when it does, don’t be surprised to find me hiding away.

This time was a stretch on sanity and comfort found in silence. Puzzle time, that’s right. Puzzles are a great way for me to escape into my thoughts when they become overwhelming, but really the motions of solving a puzzle is just an illusion. A distraction to what is really going on, because staring at a wall is not socially acceptable right ?

Puzzle, music, walk, puzzle, write, draw, read, puzzle, cook, bake, puzzle, garden.

This is how I spent my first two days of the long weekend. Fighting with emotion, pondering thoughts, while hiding away from the world and interactions that accompany it.

Day three I was strong enough to go back out into the world and interact with close and loving friends all the while they are unknowing of what is happening inside. The struggle to walk down the stairs and out into conversation and basic socialisation requirements.

Over this weekend I found myself thinking of someone close to me or who I felt close to for a great many years, who taught me about life and perception of our world. Someone who also struggles far beyond what I do. They mentioned that struggle to go out, reverting to hiding. But would go to the supermarket at night, less people, less interaction boom problem minimised.

I found that I did this over the weekend, 1030pm off I riddle to the supermarket to make my purchases or just to walk around aimlessly hoping for an answer. I miss this friend because they knew how it feels.

The guilt consumes, overcomes and dictates how we live. Some struggle to push back against this and some just tick along as if nothing affects them.

How do you deal with unwavering guilt or overpowering emotion ? Feel free to leave a comment and share your thoughts.

Conflicting emotion

Being vulnerable is one of the most terrifying acts a person may take part in.
How do you allow yourself to become vulnerable in the eyes of another when you are not able to be vulnerable with yourself?
10minutes staring down, trying to create the illusion, the illusion appearing too busy but to who? Why do I sit there and allow myself to become overwhelmed by this constrictive feeling of helplessness?
In mind, there is fear
In the heart, there is yearning.
In the body, there is insecurity.
Jolted into the present by a sound nearby of the passing motorbike, I reign my thoughts in and open the door. One step. I step out. In the second step, I pull myself up and close the door on the feelings of fear and security.
One step.
One step in front of the other, and I walk towards a sanctuary temporarily transformed into both an intimidating and overwhelming environment. Just an inhouse CrossFit comp for fun. Everyone was clearly having fun, and the music provided was of epic proportions.

So how do I manage to have two opposing feelings inside me?

One of fear and the other of envy mixed with anger but anger towards myself. I am fully capable of taking part in this experience. This would be an incredible amount of fun, yet I am stopped by the anxiety that overrides my heart and skips straight to the body and mind.
I find this incredibly frustrating, being able to overcome this is a work in progress, one day at a time.
How does one who has worked hard to build a life of security, feel so insecure?
Stay tuned…

Vulnerability- Quick thought

To be vulnerable is one of the most terrifying acts a person may take part in.
How do you allow yourself to become vulnerable in the eyes of another when you are not able to be vulnerable with yourself?
10minutes staring down, trying to create the illusion, the illusion appearing too busy but to who? Why do I sit there and allow myself to become overwhelmed by this constrictive feeling of helplessness?
In mind, there is fear
In the heart, there is yearning.
In the body, there is insecurity.
Jolted into the present by a sound nearby of the passing motorbike, I reign my thoughts in and open the door. One step. I step out. The second step, I pull myself up and close the door on the feelings of fear and security.
One step.
One step in front of the other, and I walk towards a sanctuary temporarily transformed into both an intimidating and overwhelming environment. Just an inhouse CrossFit comp for fun. Everyone was having clearly having fun, and the music provided was of epic proportion.
So how do I manage to have two opposing feelings inside me? One of fear and the other of envy mixed with anger but anger towards myself. I am fully capable of taking part in this experience. Which would be an incredible amount of fun, yet I am stopped by the anxiety that overrides my heart and skips straight to the body and mind.
I find this incredibly frustrating, being able to overcome this is a work in progress, one day at a time.
How does one who has worked hard to build a life of security, feel so insecure?
Stay tuned…

Do you ever stop wandering

Do you ever stop wandering about in circles, trying not to prevent yourself from repeating the same mistakes as you have done in the past?

I have decided to leave one of the main media social platforms recently, Instagram. I found myself one day getting on the bus in the morning and everyone had their heads down, holding onto their phones, scrolling, calling, texting, writing. Where are the interactions? where is the conversation?

Don’t get me wrong I like my solitude on public transport as much as the next person but why have we as a whole, become a society that is based around who is following you or liking your posts? I joined Instagram and facebook convincing myself that I needed to be kept in the loop with what all the people in my life are doing, and it’s great to see the motivators and positive influencers, but what about all of the negative memes, comments, tags and so on? I have come to find it destructive and disruptive to my life.

I have a friend I don’t see as much or talk to as much as I used to but they had said something that stuck with me and that has been playing in my head for some time now “You don’t need to convince me, you need to convince yourself, that you want to want it, want to achieve it’ so pretty much if I want something bad enough then I will find a way to make it happen. and it is true, and this adds to the conversation I had with my flatmate earlier today. I by nature will at the end of the day do what I want. You could do your best to convince me to think or do otherwise and see reason but once my mind is made up then that is it. The study, Work, Private life, living situations, and the list can go on.

So I decided to give up Instagram. Not facebook as I have family and friends spread out all over this world, is the easiest way to keep in contact, but who knows maybe this is my next step?

You see, in using social media I have found that people use it for one of two things ( being very broad categories)

  1. To seek Approval
  2. To seek attention ( this can be good or bad)

But why do we need to seek approval? Why do we need to seek attention?

I used it to seek approval, to use it as motivation to get stronger, to get fitter, to eat healthier, etc but I wound up becoming fixated on my appearance. I don’t like the way I look half the time, I don’t like the way I talk, the way I think, and definitely not the way I react in certain situations.

1 month free of Instagram and I am slowly trying to strip away this negativity that I have built up around me, choosing to focus on the aspect of my life that are truly important, Relationships, Education, Fitness, Employment. And boy oh boy is it hard to balance.

Half of the time I feel like just packing my bags and running away to another country. There is something that a few people know as I do talk about this at times, I don’t feel like I have an actual place I belong. Cliche’ i know But it is true, I always try and identify myself as South African, but I hold Nz citizenship so technically I should honor that and call NZ home except I ran away to Australia. where I have been, fighting every week to get out of limbo, every week to get ahead, every week to convince myself that I’m still in my twenties there is plenty of time. but what if there isn’t?

What then? Would I or you be content with where you are at in your current life?

I would be content but I sure do feel like fleeing more weeks than some. This is yet another reason why I write. to get this out, to free up my conscious and clear my thoughts, it may not make sense at times, but it does to me.

Current feeling; Shifting. Unsettled. Everything is moving and everything is changing again, there will be a big shift within this next month or two. I just hope with all of my heart that it will be for better and not for the worst.

 

Strength: Unknown.

What do you write when you do not quite know how to put it down in words?

I woke up this morning feeling uneasy, unsettled and unbalanced in my world. Something did not feel right.

There was a certain unease, a heavy feeling surrounding my thoughts and heart as I opened my eyes to begin a new day. This unease sat with me as I got dressed, went to work and the normal tasks set out in my daily life.

You know it will be okay because strength is the very definition of the person. My world was rocked once this year, and rocked to an extent that I was certain there would be no bouncing back if the events took a turn for the worse. I am confident that this will be the same type of scenario.

Bombshell dropped. Process information. Allow the rocking to begin. Strength is the definition …a force to be reckoned with… unbreakable. That is what they are. That is how they will remain. I refuse to think otherwise.

Fear for me is loosing that strength. that strength that ties all the loose ends and helps hold all the short comings together, to reassure the unsure.  To help cement the belief of values and actions.

I wont allow your strength to fade, because your strength is what mine is built on, if this is rocked..then let the earthquake begin.

I believe in love and i believe in the simple things life has to offer, this is what I have always said. Whose love is it that you depend on? Sisters? Brothers? Mothers? Fathers? Friends? Who ?

I am fortunate to have many, And so it concludes that I will not let this be rocked any further.

Its simple:

Be Kind always, Be Happy and love those around you.

 

Unexpected reading.

What if you think is good for you really isn’t?

Without saying a word, you keep what swirls around as a tidy little mess ball inside of you, waiting for that moments to be able to stop running a million miles an hour to try and untangle everything that has gone into creating the mess.

There is a catch though isn’t there? The constant procrastination to just stop and untangle is pushed aside each day that passes. waiting to be set free.

how long does it take you to deal with the bigger problems in your life? Those that are tucked away from the rest of the worlds curious and prying minds? I find that happiness is a great distraction method not only for yourself but for those surrounding you. if you are happy (that’s great!) but it also allows those around you to be happy to (double bonus!). But there will come a day that the issue will need to be dealt with. When the time is right.

Yesterday I had a new experience, an experience which I have never witnessed nor taken part in. – tarot cards-  that’s right I had my cards read for the first time in my life.

I was advised that it did not have to voice aloud my question when shuffling the deck, and so I kept this quiet. And continued to follow the directions instructed to me by a woman I did not know from a bar of soap. she was so lovely and patient with me.

okay so the cards are fanned out and I am ready with my jovial teasing attitude strapped on tight ready for battle whatever may come my way. this soon changed. to become a very emotional and heart wrenching experience that I never expected. for what she read in my cards was so accurate but my question had taken on a different meaning that I initially intended. What was meant to be an outward question fast turned to the question directed to myself personally. referring to myself and the relationship I have with myself. not a great one. The fear of judgment, surrounded by powerful woman who support and guide me every day, and then I drew the card that was a bit scary to look at. this card meant I was blocked and blindfolded. Not wanting to deal with the vulnerability.

but it was not at all bad, sitting there and listening to this lady read and try understanding my biggest fear and a road block I have placed on myself. I explained what holds me back.

A wave of emotion so strong, self-loathing of being called names that have plagued my mind since, reinforcing that barricade around myself. I cried. I cried to a point where I was left feeling drained and tired. I feel like a part of that self-loathing is slowly getting chipped away.

Could you wrap your mind around wanting to reach out to someone, you reach your arms out but then you feel the bars that stop you progressing forward. like you are free every part of the day, each day, as soon as you see something you like you try reach out and feel but then are stopped quite abruptly.

What a sad sharing! But everyone has their weaknesses and everyone has their ways of coping with life. writing is mine.

Just remember one very important thing in life, no matter if you think you are joking, words hurt, and have a lasting impact to people who can’t block it out. So, use kind words, be kind, be loving and don’t forget every action has a reaction.

 

 

2 sides to a heart

A mixture of thoughts bringing 2018 to a close and thanking all of those who have had a part in my life this year.

Happy reading everyone.

There is something to be said about the people who support and love you each day. But what if you try your best and still manage to disappoint them? Words can be spoken until you turn blue but the fact remains your heart gets torn in 2, forming two sides that will likely never get back together again.

this causes complications and hurt, frustration and the ‘what ifs’ that creep in. when does love amongst your close ones reach the point of forming the 2 hearts.  it is like 2 lines that may never intertwine, unless faced with a life or death situation. and I kid you not this is the true reality of the divided hearts. many years since the separate side were formed, did I face them in the same room with the delightful choice of having to choose.

which heart do you choose if one side can’t exist without the other? how can you be expected to choose? the hurt is evident but it will remain tucked away for another rainy day to be processed little by little until a solution is formed instead of a divide.

The result in the divide was an everlasting lack of trust of another human being. Being able to believe and trust another so whole heartedly that you would lay your life for them without question is just not in the cards. However, a few of my close friends have mentioned that they have been to see a medium and this I think will be quite interesting to go to. to see what is potentially held for my future.

It has recently been mentioned that one of my family members (possibly me) would be moving to Canada. How interesting is that. Because the way I see it I build connections, relationships and form loving bonds with incredible humans. but what if when you realize everything in your world is perfect and there is the tension building, apply pressure, waiting for something to give way to destroy the perfect world.

Dealing with these types of situations, I do not fare well, so why not move countries? Why not halfway across the world? What is a person to do when they are barely able to deal with the mental struggle of hearts being broken yet again? Fact is. Relationships break, family rip to shreds, and friends come and go. So, what is left?

What if you form the circle that you love so dearly but reach the point where you couldn’t handle the idea of it breaking apart?

2019 let’s visit Canada, lets smash a competition, let’s begin Further educating myself to get ahead.

Thank you 2018 for the lessons you have taught me, thank you for Mel for teaching me self-awareness and that it is so important to listen to yourself and the needs of not only your body but your mind and soul.

Thank you to my dear close friends who have dealt with my unstable moodiness in the better part of the year, changing working conditions really had a big impact on my life and I could not have done that without the help of all of you and you know who you are.

Thank you to my friends who support my gym and fitness goals, I know it has been a very rocky road, creating more questions than answers this year but at least we are walking away with a goal set for 2019. Now not only do I want to achieve this goal, I would like to raise money in doing so. Raising money for the starlight foundation and to raise awareness for mental health, and the challenges that everybody faces at one point of another in their life.

Thank you for teaching me the lessons and thank you for letting me end my year with being able to see one of my sisters, Chantelle. you are an incredibly strong and courageous woman. the same goes for my other sister Kelly, you have shown me what strength really is through dealing with one of the most challenging times in your life.

My love goes out to each person who had been a part of my life in this rollercoaster of a year.

 

 

 

Love as you see fit

How do you deal with change that feels like opening up old wounds of past events ?

How do you move on with scars still healing?

When you get comfortable, things change. But how do you deal with this? One moment a loved one could be close and the next you blink,  and they are blinked out of existence. Out of your sight, life and soul. How do you breathe knowing you wont see them again ?

Tearing your way through life day by day wondering what to do with yourself, a lost and wondering soul, do you take it out on the aspects of your life that you do have that last bit of control ? Each day you wake up thinking of the reason on why it was them and not you, is there something you could have done to lessen the pain and lessen the struggle for them ? what if you cant take back those precious last moments that you made that conscious choice to be less of the human they loved than what you should have been. How do you rectify such a decision that will more than likely affect each day moving forward.

I had someone say to me yesterday, you don’t know how to relax do you ?

I do.

But in what sense are they referring? Relax enough that when you get comfortable, your surroundings change and you get pulled down in that cage to the darkness. That laughter. That cackling.

When you deal with an event in your life that impacts you so greatly, It forcibly changes who you are as a person and how you go about your daily life and take on challenges. Maybe taking on challenges where you feel power and control is one  way of feeling like you have a semblance of control on the path you lead. The one object desired is the one object you are refused,  an unwelcome smack of irony that never ceases to amaze me.

You relax, you enjoy, you soak it all up, then in a second you are reminded of what it is like to be that person again so many years ago. But why does this feeling and reminder come forth again each time there is something of big importance occurring in life?

I strongly believe that in the hours i feel most tired and restless i write, not always sure why these words spill onto my page but once they are out the feeling of control slips back into place.

Hug it out always, love those close to you and don’t feel guilty for indulging in love, don’t feel guilty for the feeling of happiness because who are you to know how long it can last. Here is to everyone having a wonderful and happy week ahead, reach your goals, tell those you care about, just how much you care and give them a hug.

Stay kind always, stay strong for those you love.

People only see what they want too, often that superficial plane of knowing, but how often does a person take the time to delve into the inner workings of ones soul

Tell me how to be

kell and me“‘When you wake up in the morning, Pooh,’ said Piglet at last, ‘What’s the first thing you say to yourself?’
‘What’s for breakfast?’ said Pooh. ‘What do you say, Piglet?’
‘I say, I wonder what’s going to happen exciting today?’ said Piglet.
Pooh nodded thoughtfully. ‘It’s the same thing,’ he said.” —Winnie-the-Poohlaugh until your tummy hurts

Tell me how to be in this world, tell me what drives your soul and brings you that unfaltering happiness that starts from deep down in your bones and shines out through your every pore you possess.

Surround yourself with happy, surround yourself with people who are special to you and drive you to achieve great and amazing things in life. I have found this recently, and i find it so interesting how life turns out. The different situations and circumstances bring people of all kinds into your life and some you remain friends and some just passing by, but not without impact.

Do you know who your special people are? Why are they special to you 10584048_211645429172399_3660958305871894956_n

Kelly Molan my unwavering rock through everything in life, her strength, beauty and love for her family never ceases to astound me. There is no human on this planet i admire more. I strongly believe that each and every one of my friends that surround me in my day to day life hold a piece of you that i love. ALE and Blanka for their Family values, Lea for her smarts and innocence, Bec for her kindness and patience, Tanya for her passion and wit, Alix for her intellect, Irene for her ambition and heart of gold,  Marilia for her determination and discipline and Frank for his Steadfast loyalty with a touch of attitude. each of these people make up you. My rock and number 1 cheerleader.

I haven’t written in a while and i am not 100% sure what i should be writing as i normally write to cope with difficult situations. But i look now at my life and the dramatic change that has occurred, one very important shift tin my life and i am the happiest i have ever been, and I am greedy so i really plan on making this a habit of being happy. And i thank each and every one of you for sticking up with my crazy these past years, i plan on giving back to you what you have given to me.

If i knew this was possible 2 years ago then i would have done something sooner to have been feeling what i am at this moment. But life has its own game plan and you just have to keep plodding along and see what happens.

There are still obstacles and insecurities that creep in but who doesn’t have these lurking beneath the surface?

I now have the capability to push forward with my next mission, help as many people in my day to day life become as happy as they deserve to be. Do you walk down the street and smile at the person passing you by? ( without the creep factor) ? do you look up and see your surroundings and the people that pass you by.

Do you realise the impact you have on someone else’s life just by being you?

A perfect example, I have joined this gym in the city and it is incredible and inspiring, a family away from home. There is this trainer there who is the happiest human i have ever encountered. Without fail he has a smile and the energy he gives out is enough for you to not be able to pass by him without smiling or laughing like a lunatic. I can be in my own head or in a bad mood and this persons energy is enough to turn that around even if for a few minutes. I thank this human because he is inspiring and a beautiful soul. You bring happy to my life every time I see you !

i want to have a similar impact on peoples lives, i want to be a source of inspiration and happiness to anyone who i get to meet.

Summary of my newest tangent is to be happy, be bright and be amazing.

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